Your personal strength assessment

Clever but pointless, all round average or practical but dim ?

Having spent the last hour trying to figure out how to put a bike onto a smart turbo trainer, I figured that the turbo trainer is smarter than me and, covered in oil, sweat and the filth of all the swear words I uttered, I am writing a blog instead. I believe that I am clever but pointless, and my personal strength assessment will probably prove it. But which one are you? Answers on a postcard.

  1. You buy a turbo trainer so you can work out at home. How do you go about setting it up?

a. Watch a few Youtube clips, figure out that it looks easy, wrestle a bike indoors, hurt your back trying to fix it on, wonder how to fix a puncture, wrestle another bike indoors, get mud all over the carpet, scream, swear and then write a blog, knowing that somebody else will do it for you eventually.

b. Watch a few Youtube clips, mess about with it for a while, an hour later figure it out and then cycle merrily along.

c. Do it straight away as it’s fairly obvious.

2. You are sent an article about postmodernist readings of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’.

a. You stop what you’re doing with a feeling of intense enthusiasm, devour the article, exclaim ‘oh yes’ and nod at lots of the points, consider others for a few minutes before forming an opinion, share it with your uni friends and spend the rest of the day thinking it all through.

b. You skim through it with some interest, picking up one or two of the points, and then forget it.

c. Post what? What’s ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’? A TV series isn’t it?

3. You move house and need to put lots of pictures up.

a. You place them on the floor underneath the place that you want them, consider briefly watching some Youtube clips of how to hang a picture, but realise that it’s pointless to even try, and that the endeavour will end in screaming, swearing and smashed pictures.

b. You faff about a bit, don’t get round to it straight away because you’re not sure where your spirit level is or which types of fixings you need, but then eventually do a five minute think and get on with it.

c. You go to your fixtures and fittings drawer and hang the pictures. Don’t know why anyone wouldn’t.

4. You are driving along and put on the radio, to hear a discussion about the philosophy of Derridas, who said that meaning cannot be confined to words, and that the only real meaning lies in the difference between words. He spells it ‘differance’ to highlight the fact that it’s a new concept.

a. You are so enthusiastic about this idea that you almost drive off the road. You start to apply the philosophy to every book you have ever read.

b. You realise that red is only red because it isn’t any other colour, think ‘oh that’s quite cool’ and change the channel to some jolly music.

c. You think ‘what a boring twat’ and change the channel.

5. You’re out in the middle of nowhere when the car tyre goes flat.

a. You call the emergency rescue people who take an hour but you don’t try and do it yourself because you don’t know if the car has a spare, or how to jack the car up, or what a wheel is.

b. You watch a Youtube clip of how to change a tyre and are pleasantly surprised to see that it’s quite easy.

c. You get it fixed in five minutes.

6. Somebody starts explaining how the crucifixion of Jesus, in Anglo Saxon times, was depicted as an act of power and victory, with Jesus leaping up onto the cross like a warrior lord with his thanes watching in admiration. Only with the Black Death in the Middle Ages did Jesus become dejected, weak and destroyed.

a. You imagine the scene vividly, loving the historical perspectives of the same narrative and how cultural contexts change the telling of an event.

b. You remember watching a series about the Anglo Saxons and you realise that this makes sense.

c. You don’t see the relevance of this fairy tale nonsense.

7. A child in the family asks you if they can make a box for their treasures and paint it.

a. You say ‘yes’ and then ask everybody you know if they can make a box with your child.

b. You say ‘yes’ and watch a Youtube clip about how to make a box, then do it.

c. You do it immediately with some spare wood from the garage, your power tools and a very happy child in your workshop.

8. The TV is showing ‘Couples Therapy’ and a psychology expert starts discussing the applications of various branches of feminism in clinical supervision.

a. You consider how TERFS have contributed to the exclusion of many minority groups and write a lengthy letter to J.K. Rowling on the subject.

b. ‘Yes’, you think. ‘Feminism is important but I don’t know much about the various branches of it’.

c. You wonder why couples don’t just go for a walk, watch a film and stop whinging about each other.

9. You keep noticing that the back door glass is really smudged and dirty.

a. You decide to clean it, but whatever you do the smears just get worse and worse until the door looks like an opaque bathroom window, and you wonder why everything is impossible to do.

b. You get your glass cloth and improve it significantly.

c. You put on your marigolds, have a good enjoyable session of cleaning and the windows come up sparkly.

10. The ironing needs doing.

a. You iron a shirt for an interview and keep putting more creases into it that then won’t iron out, and the shirt looks like shattered glass by the time you’ve finished. You spray it all out, then iron it again, and it burns, setting the smoke alam off.

b. You do an OK job of it although you know your Grandma would do it better.

c. You switch on the TV, get the iron steaming away and whizz through the lot.

Well, there you have it. Mostly As makes you a clever but pointless waste of space, mostly Bs makes you a jack of all trades and master of none, and mostly Cs makes you a practical god even though a bit dim. Happy days.

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